


Outtakes

by cherie_morte



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Infidelity, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-26
Updated: 2017-05-26
Packaged: 2018-11-05 06:05:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,532
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11007522
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cherie_morte/pseuds/cherie_morte
Summary: Jared made a promise to himself: if he's going to be this person, he is going to be fully aware of it. He isn't going to pretend Jensen will leave his wife any moment or that he means more than she does or that he can be upset about any of this when he's the one who came along and fucked everything up. He is taking what he can get.





	Outtakes

**Author's Note:**

> Repost of a [salt_burn_porn](http://salt-burn-porn.livejournal.com/) fic originally posted [here](http://infatuated-ink.livejournal.com/97700.html).

**NOW**

He comes over for Jared's birthday. Jared has accepted that, as far as his love life is concerned, living off table scraps is going to be status quo for a long, long time. So compared to what he's accustomed to, this is a damn feast.

Jensen shows up on his doorstep at half past seven, completely unannounced, so that Jared has to check who's at the door before letting him in. He almost doesn't even get up to answer; he's been waiting by his phone since he got home from work and he's sure the call will come the moment he stops hoping for it.

They don't say anything at first. Jensen just stands in the doorway like he doesn't expect Jared to let him in. As if Jared is ever going to learn how to turn him away.

Jared isn't really sure what to say, either. He's rightfully surprised to see Jensen—here, now, exactly where and when Jared wants him. That never happens. Not even on his birthday. All he was daring to hope for was a phone call.

So he steps aside, giving Jensen room to walk in, and keeps sorting through the conversation openers popping up in his head. _My day was miserable, thanks for asking._ or _It's better now that you're here._ or _I saved a slice of cake from the office, pretending you might stop by and eat it._

He decides to go with silence. Jensen waits until the door clicks shut to look up at him, smiling just a little. "My god, you look old," he says.

Jared only gets halfway into his laugh before he's grabbing Jensen, pulling him in for a kiss. Jensen is hungry as soon as he gets his tongue in Jared's mouth. He smiles again when they pull apart and puts a hand on Jared's cheek, thumb caressing his ear and the rest of his fingers buried in Jared's hair. "Happy birthday."

Jared grins, kissing him again. "Thanks," he replies, and he doesn't ask how Jensen even knew what today was.

Danneel probably told him.

She probably chipped in for that cake, too.

Jared makes a mental note to throw that extra slice away before it poisons both of them.

He turns his face to the side, kissing the palm of Jensen's hand, then jerks away when he realizes why it feels so warm on his skin.

Jensen's not wearing his wedding ring. He's never done that before, never allowed either of them the luxury of pretending it doesn’t exist. But it's missing now. There's no cold metal reminder that this is wrong, wrong, wrong. Just Jensen looking at him all warm and fond as if he belongs to Jared and this is as right as it's always felt. 

Jared kind of wants to cry. It's all he wanted, but he never, ever actually thought it could happen.

He takes Jensen's hand in his own and squeezes it so Jensen knows he's noticed, but he doesn’t say anything about it. That's the point of it not being there, after all.

"I was thinking you should probably fuck me," Jensen says.

Jared huffs. "Really? That's your present? I get that all year."

"Oh, gimme a break," Jensen says, one arm catching around Jared's middle as he tugs him in. He puts his head on Jared's shoulder and presses his body against Jared's. "People would kill for this ass. You're a very lucky man."

Jared isn't really, but then Jensen's kissing his neck and he thinks he is.

"I wish your dick was as big as your ego," he mutters.

Jensen laughs and walks around Jared, taking his hand again and giving him a tentative, hopeful look. He steps forward, tugging Jared along as if Jared needs to be led to his own room. "Take me to bed, Jay."

Jared is very happy to do exactly that. An hour later he's lying on his back with Jensen next to him. They're both sweaty and gross and Jared doesn't want to have to point out that Jensen should probably get up and showered pretty soon, but Jensen is still dozing with a satiated smile on his face, and he doesn't look like he's keeping track of time.

Jared sits up, kissing one closed eyelid and then the other, and Jensen makes a content sound, waiting until Jared has pulled away to slowly open his eyes. "'s nice," is all he says.

Jared bites his bottom lip, unable to force the words out. He wants to beg Jensen to stay, at least long enough for Jared to fall asleep in his arms. But he can't ask for that, or for anything. He made that promise to himself.

If Jared is going to be this person, he is going to be fully aware of it. He's not the one who gets Jensen's time and attention; he doesn't get taken to parties. He isn't going to pretend Jensen will leave his wife any moment or that he means more than she does or that he can be upset about any of this when he's the one who came along and fucked everything up. He is going to be silent. He is taking what he can get.

But, that said, he doesn't think it's fair he has to be the one to push Jensen out when all he wants to do is wake up, just once, with the person he loves warm against his back.

"Jensen," Jared starts, not really sure where he's about to take it.

Jensen is watching him closely. "I'm not expected anywhere," he says quietly.

Jared stares at him for a long time, trying to really process that. Jensen doesn’t add more, doesn't tell Jared how he got out of going home. He doesn't ask if he can stay, but the look on his face is hesitant and worried, and Jared just wants to shake him and ask how the hell he can still doubt his place here. Or, failing that, kiss him for the rest of his goddamn life so he knows for sure where he belongs.

Instead he looks away, and Jensen sits up, putting his hand on Jared's chest. "I don't have to stay if you don't want me to or if you have plans—"

"Are you going to leave before I wake up?" Jared asks. He's going to say yes either way, but he needs to be prepared.

Jensen's hand moves up Jared's chest until it's resting on his neck. "I'll be here tomorrow," he promises. "I'll make you breakfast. I'm an egg-scrambling god."

"How am I supposed to refuse that?"

Jensen swallows hard, looking at Jared in earnest. "Please don't."

So Jared doesn't.

His real present arrives later the next day, after Jensen's woken him with breakfast in bed, a handjob, and some whispered words Jared knows he'll spend the rest of the day replaying, over and over, while Jensen is at home, cleaning the gutters and drinking his wife's lemonade.

It's a card with a $175 donation to the dog shelter Jared volunteers at every other Saturday tucked inside, signed 'from the Ackles family.' Jared runs his fingers over the looping blue letters—Danneel's handwriting, but only Jensen would know to get him this gift—and wonders what it would be like to share a name like that, to be able to do things as a couple, so public and unashamed. The world is fresh out of unattached Jensens, so Jared will never know.

He gets his voice under control before he calls to say thank you, makes sure to think of all the dogs this'll help and not the fact that he feels a little like an injured puppy himself.

_______________________________________________________________

**THEN**

The kicker is that Danneel introduced them.

She likes Jared and trusts him enough to bring him into her house and beg him to hang out with her poor, unfortunate husband who, she tells Jared, could really use a friend. He moved all the way across the country so she could take her new job; she recognizes the Texas in Jared's accent the first day she's in the office and for some reason decides Jared is exactly what Jensen needs to be happy. Someone who can understand everything he's missing. A little taste of home. Jensen probably tastes more than she'd intended, but that's how it all starts.

She invites him to a barbeque, promises football and steaks and Jared thinks Danneel seems pretty awesome, it sounds like a good enough time. He goes. He meets Jensen. There are nights he lies in bed awake—alone, with the scent of Jensen still tangled up in his sheets—wishing he'd just stayed home that day.

He passes Danneel on his way in. She's at the grill in short jean shorts and a colorful halter top, holding a beer in one hand and a spatula in the other as she talks to Steve from accounting and his little blonde wife, whose name Jared can never remember. He stops by to greet them but quickly becomes uninterested in the conversation they're having (hockey, it's always hockey up here), and Danneel waves him toward the back entrance of the house, gesturing because her mouth is full of beer and she can't talk.

Jared looks around the yard—it's full of familiar faces, people he works with five days a week but has never really had a reason to see outside of that. Danneel's been around, what? Half a month, and she's already got what seems like the entire company sitting around her yard, relaxing as if they do this every weekend.

It's not that he minds them, but it's a welcome reprieve when he lets himself in through the sliding glass door Danneel had pointed him toward and he finds himself in a bright kitchen, alone save for a cooler full of beer.

As he's riffling through all the options, trying to decide what he's in the mood for, someone else enters the kitchen to drop something in the sink and Jared looks up from his quest at the unfamiliar "hey, man" to see a pair of eyes so green the perfectly manicured lawn out back doesn't even hold a candle, short gelled hair, and a bridge of freckles dabbled over a nose with a slight bump, the only imperfection Jared can spot on the guy's face.

By the time he even gets around to looking at the man's mouth, Jared is already somewhere between wondering if he's hallucinating and in love.

"Hi," he replies, trying to think of something to say to make those pretty lips move again. He pulls out the bottle he's got his hand around, deciding to commit to whatever the hell it is just so he can look like he knows what he's doing, and only feels a little disappointed when he realizes it's a Corona.

The walking wet dream raises an eyebrow at his beer choice but doesn't say anything, and Jared fumbles, looking around at the counter for a conversation topic. "You know where I can find a bottle opener?"

Okay, as far as first lines go, that wasn't Jared's best work, but at least the stranger looks away, giving Jared a few seconds to collect himself, try to figure out how best to play this. Danneel had been awfully eager to send him in here. Maybe she knew this guy would be hiding away from the rest of the crowd. Maybe it was a set-up.

Jared will make her his new best friend if he's right about that.

After about half a minute rooting around the kitchen, the stranger looks up at him with a defeated shrug. "Nah, beats me. I'm supposedly the man of the house, but don't expect me to know where anything is."

 _Man of the house_ , Jared thinks. And, _duh_. It was a set-up, alright, just not the kind he was hoping for.

"You're Jensen," he says, holding out the hand he doesn't have a drink in. It's still dripping wet from digging through the ice water, but Jensen only hesitates a moment before taking it.

"Guilty," he admits. "And you are?"

"Oh, right, sorry." Jared wipes his hands off on his jeans once Jensen lets go. "I'm Jared."

"Jared," Jensen replies. He reaches out and Jared takes the hint, handing over his beer. He watches as Jensen uses the ring on his left hand to pop off the cap, which is way hotter than it should be, especially considering it's a _wedding ring_. "Jared from San Antone."

Jensen passes him back his drink and Jared grins as he takes a swig. "The one and only. I see my reputation has preceded me?"

Leaning back against the counter, Jensen's eyes track the bottle to Jared's mouth, and then his lips quirk into the slightest hint of a smile. "My wife's got a lot of good qualities. Subtlety isn't one of them."

"Yeah." Jared looks out through the sliding glass door, sees Danneel dancing to whatever is blasting through the speakers out there as she pokes at the meat on the grill. "Can't really fault her for that. It's not one of my virtues, either."

For a moment Jensen looks amused, but then his expression slips, gets weirdly melancholy. "Look, I appreciate what she's trying to do, but you really don't have to spend your day in here babysitting me while everyone you know is out back having fun."

"Not a crowd person?" Jared asks, cocking his head toward the party outside. "Was kind of expecting you to be manning the grill when I got here."

Jensen shrugs, grabbing a Bud from the cooler and making quick work of opening it. "I hate parties. At least ones like this where I don't know anyone."

"I think you're supposed to actually spend time at the party in order to get to know people. Not completely sure, but that might be the whole point," Jared teases, hoping the guy will take it for the joke it is.

Luckily, he does. Jensen's head falls back just a bit and Jared watches his throat move as he laughs. And, jesus, Danneel told him her husband was a looker when they'd had lunch together last week, but Jared had assumed she was exaggerating. Eyes of love and all that.

"So you're a smartass, is that it?" Jared only answers with wide, innocent eyes that make Jensen hide his smile behind the lip of his beer bottle. "I'd rather stay in and watch the game." He shifts from one foot to the other, then points his thumb over his shoulder, back in the direction he'd entered from. "You're welcome to join if you want to try out being an antisocial loser for a while."

Jared knows it's probably not a good idea to spend the entire day ogling his new friend's husband, but it doesn't seem all that dangerous. Straight, married guy, what's the worst that could happen, right? Looking won't hurt anyone.

Besides, there's something about the way the guy offers that makes Jared's heart a little weak. Jensen is standing too still, like he's trying to pretend he cares less about what Jared says than he does. And he tries to imagine what Jensen's feeling. Moving across the country, ending up somewhere with nobody familiar when, apparently, making new friends doesn't come nearly as easy to him as it does to his wife. Minneapolis is a far cry from Richardson.

He pretends to consider it, but he already knows he's gonna cave. "Who's playing?"

"The Cowboys and the 49ers. Just a pre-season game, but, you know. Beats the hell out of listening to a bunch of hockey talk."

Jared snorts. "Wait until winter. It gets worse."

"Don't say that to me, man, I'm already suffering here."

He pushes to his feet from where he was leaning against the counter and gestures for Jensen to lead the way. "I'll watch. Gonna be in a pretty rotten mood if the 49ers win, though. My ex-boyfriend was from San Fran, covered our apartment in that hideous brown and red color scheme."

It's a test, he'll admit. Jared has learned by now that it's better to put the gay thing out there on the table first thing, especially with good ol' boys, because if the reaction's gonna be bad, you wanna know that before it gets a chance to really hurt. So he watches Jensen carefully as he says _boyfriend_ and waits to see if there will be a sudden sense of hostility or some over-eager response to show how not homophobic he is.

Jensen doesn't even bat an eye, doesn't respond to the trigger word at all except to carry on the conversation. "Too close to Redskins colors," he says. "I'd have burnt the place down, just to be safe."

Jared snorts. "That would have been only slightly worse than how the break-up actually went."

They're both laughing by the time they reach the TV room, a den full of boxes, the only things already unpacked are an overstuffed couch and a screen only a few inches smaller than the wall it's mounted on. Jared whistles appreciatively at the set-up and Jensen grins, explains that this is pretty much the only room in the house he's spent any time in yet.

Danneel finds them there four hours later, a different game on now, one they're only half paying attention to as they shoot the shit. She sets down a plate of steaks and corn-on-the-cob and tells them everyone else has left, and then she takes a seat on the couch, resting her feet in Jensen's lap and looking extremely proud of herself for how well her scheme paid off.

Jared and Jensen are pretty much inseparable after that.

_______________________________________________________________

**NOW**

Jared's fresh out of his shower, hardly dressed, when the doorbell rings. He opens it to find a kid in a white and red outfit on his doorstep holding a pizza box. Jared didn't realize they'd ordered pizza, and he looks back toward the bathroom where he can hear Jensen's shower running, about to yell for him to explain himself when the kid cuts in.

"You the boyfriend?"

"Huh?" Jared asks, turning back to the delivery guy.

The boy smirks, lifting the receipt he's got in the hand that isn't holding the pizza. He reads, "My boyfriend just got a big promotion, so pile all the meat you can fit on there."

Jared accepts the receipt from him when he hands it over, reads over the words _my boyfriend_ a hundred times before he finds himself smiling up at the stranger. "Yeah, I guess that's me."

"Congrats, then," he says as Jared finds the $30 Jensen apparently left on the table and sends the kid away, telling him to keep the change, even though it's not really his money. The delivery boy doesn't linger long enough to let Jared change his mind, and Jared closes the door but stands by it for who knows how long, reading over the comments Jensen typed into the request box when he ordered.

He's not sure how long it is before Jensen is at his back, resting his chin on Jared's shoulder.

"How's it look? Extra meaty?"

Jared folds up the receipt too quickly and shoves the thin scrap of paper into his pocket. He carries the box over to the table. He hadn't even thought to look at the actual pizza, just stood there gaping like a fish at the receipt.

When he opens it, they both laugh. There isn't a spot where you can see cheese under the pepperoni, chicken, sausage, and bacon.

"I'd have gotten them to spell out 'Congratulations, Jared' in pepperoni if I could have," Jensen jokes, pressing a kiss against his neck.

"Next time just get me a cake, you freak," Jared answers, but his voice sounds thin, even in his own ears.

In a better world, Jensen would be able to take him out for a nice dinner, order champagne and give a little speech at the table. In this world, all Jared can focus on is the knowledge that there's someone out there who knows who Jared belongs to. Even if it's just the damn pizza delivery boy. Jensen called him _his boyfriend_ where someone could see it.

He turns to kiss Jensen, and the pizza is cold by the time they get around to it.

_______________________________________________________________

**THEN**

The first time is just a drunken mistake. It starts at office happy hour, which Jared and Danneel manage to convince Jensen to actually leave the house to attend, though in retrospect, probably, a lot of things would have gone differently, and arguably for the better, if they'd just let him stay at home like the hermit Danneel insists Minneapolis has turned him into.

He wasn't like this in Texas, she's always saying, had such a great group of buddies he was always happy to hang out with in Texas. Now, he has only her and Jared, though he doesn't make an effort to improve the situation, so it's on him. Jared knows it bugs her, that she feels guilty for uprooting him, but he's never known Jensen any other way, and he doesn't mind being half of the center of Jensen's universe.

Six months Jensen's been in his life, and Jared hardly pretends that he isn’t completely fucking gone on the guy. Jensen is straight and he's married so if Jared is in love with him, it's not hurting anyone but Jared.

And even if it hurts a whole lot, at least he gets to see Jensen as often as he wants. That's all he really needs, but he needs it more than he needs to keep breathing, and Jared knows Danneel is coming from a good place, from a better place than he is in fact, but he has no interest in seeing Jensen's friend group expand so that Jared can't continue to pretend he's anything other than peripheral to the unit that is Jensen-and-Danneel's happy marriage.

The feeling must be mutual, because Jensen may be a home-body, but he's not usually this much of a raging asshole.

The happy hour has turned into a double date of sorts, with everyone having left except Jensen, Danneel, Jared, and Misha from HR. Danneel has been going on about the guy for weeks now, insisting that Jared should let her set them up.

He finally agreed tonight out of sheer desperation. Misha is a nice guy, funny, and attractive enough that Jared knows he would be interested, normally, under any other circumstances. But he hasn't been interested in anyone in six months. No one tangible, at least. 

So he's sitting here, on this kind-of-date trying so fucking hard to want Misha and not cut his eyes across the table to track Jensen's movements, the way he licks alcohol off his bottom lip or scratches the scruff on his cheek.

Jensen is not fucking helping. He has a passive aggressive response to every other word Misha utters, becomes more belligerent with every glass of beer the waitress sets down in front of him. It's a relief when Danneel gets a phone call, some work emergency she has to leave to deal with right away, because Jared assumes Jensen will leave with her.

He doesn't. Jensen, who hates forced social interaction, who took hours before agreeing to come at all, and who seems to not be having any fun, surprises everyone by telling Danneel he'll hang out for a few more drinks and then head home. Danneel, still as lacking in subtlety as ever, tries to get him to go, to give Jared and Misha some time alone, but Jensen (usually a reasonably intelligent guy) doesn't seem to get any of the hints.

Things only get more awkward. Half an hour passes with Jensen sniping Misha and Jared trying desperately to keep everyone friendly before finally he stands, grabbing Jensen by the collar of his shirt and promising Misha they'll be back in just a few minutes.

He drags Jensen to the bar, lets his friend lean his wobbly ass against the counter before saying, "Dude. What gives?"

Jensen's smile is slow and languid. He keeps his eyes on Jared's, and, instead of answering, he just shrugs.

"How drunk are you?" Jared asks, huffing a laugh. "Why are you being so nasty?"

"Guy's a prick," Jensen says, glaring at where Misha is sitting, looking as inoffensive as he has all night. "You can't actually be into him, right?"

"Maybe I am," Jared replies. Jensen's lips tighten, but Jared ignores it. "Even if I'm not, he's not the one being a prick."

"He's no good for you," Jensen tells him. "Too short. You need someone taller."

Apparently, Jensen is drunk to the point of absurdity. "Do you realize how much I'd be limiting my dating pool if I was only into guys who are taller than me?"

"Didn't say he should be taller than _you_ ," says Jensen. "Just taller than _him_."

"That's why you've been a dick all night? You don't think he's tall enough?"

Jensen burps.

Jared laughs despite himself, because apparently he's even charmed by Jensen when the guy is being a drunk asshole. "Let me call you a cab, Jen. You're wasted."

"Not that drunk," Jensen insists. He starts playing with the button on Jared's shirt, and his voice is so soft when he continues that Jared has to lean down to hear him in the noisy bar. "You gonna go home with him? You gonna fuck him?"

"I don't know," Jared answers honestly. "Maybe."

"I don't feel good," Jensen says.

Jared sighs. "I'll get you a cab."

Jensen shakes his head. "Won't make it home by myself. We should just walk to your place. I'll stay on the couch. Don't think I'll make it all the way home. Cab'll make me feel more sick."

"Okay." Jared wipes a hand over his face. "Let me say goodnight to Misha, and I'll call Danneel and let her know you're gonna stay with me."

Jensen's smile and nod at that makes it hard for Jared to keep playing up his annoyance. Misha seems disappointed but not entirely surprised when Jared tells him what's going on, and after a fifteen minute walk that mostly entails Jared propping Jensen up, they make it up the three flights to Jared's apartment. He calls Jensen's wife and tells her what happened. She laughs a light, pretty laugh, thanks Jared for being a pal and promises she'll make it up to him, get him and Misha some real alone time.

By the time he hangs up, Jensen is standing by the couch in _Jared's_ too big t shirt and boxers, and Jared's head can't help skipping ahead, imagining Jensen waking up like that for reasons that have nothing to do with him being too drunk to put himself to sleep.

Jared looks from the sofa to Jensen and shakes his head. "Why don't you take the bed? In this state, you'll roll right off that couch, and then I'll have to explain to Danneel that I let her drunk husband break his head on my coffee table."

Jensen lets Jared lead him to the room, but when Jared tries to turn toward the living room, Jensen catches him by the arm and pulls him back.

"I'll be right out on the couch if you need me," Jared tells him, trying to loosen Jensen's grip on him.

"Bed's big enough," Jensen tells him. "We're both adults. We can share a bed. You're too tall to sleep on that couch. Don't want to make you give up your own bed."

Jared watches Jensen's unfocused eyes and tries to think of something he can say to get out of this. But he can't, not when Jensen's expression is so intense and, fuck. Jared is a fucking goner, but it's okay, it's okay because Jensen is straight and married and Jared won't make a move on him. No one is getting hurt, he tells himself for the millionth time since he met Jensen, no one is getting hurt except for him.

Twenty minutes later, he's lying on his own mattress, trying not to be hyperaware of Jensen's body heat next to him, every shift of that body he's lied right here, on this bed, and fantasized about more times than he can count.

Then, suddenly, there's a taste in his mouth, some IPA he knows he didn't drink, and his brain is too slow to realize what's going on. That Jensen drank that beer and Jared's tasting it because Jensen is leaning over him, kissing him, sloppy and starved.

Jared shoves him away, but it takes every ounce of restraint he has, so that when Jensen just dives in again, he kisses Jensen for what feels like a small eternity before he manages to turn his face away.

"Jensen, you're drunk," Jared tells him, fending off a third attack. "Stop it. You're drunk."

"Not that drunk," Jensen says. He stops trying to kiss Jared and rests his forehead on Jared's collarbone instead. "Just drunk enough. Drunk enough to finally…"

"To finally what, Jensen?" Jared asks. "You can't kiss me. For christ's sake, you're married. Your wife is my _friend_."

"I know," he whispers. "I know. You're not bad like I am. You're good. You wouldn't ever want someone like me. Even if you did, you wouldn't. Wouldn’t do this. Because you're not like I am. I'm scum."

"Jensen, you're not—"

"I am," he says. He turns over, onto his back, and stares up at the ceiling. "I'm scum. I know I am, but I can't stop. Can't stop wanting you. Thinking about it. You're not like this." Jensen sits up on his elbow, looks at Jared with a warmth Jared has tortured himself wishing Jensen would look at him with for months, and now he is. "If you were, though, if you were scum. If you wanted me, even though it's bad. It wouldn't make me stop loving you. I would love you—god, the things I would do to you, Jared. I'd do anything. I'd do anything."

"Please stop," Jared begs him. "Please, Jensen. You're drunk, you don't know what you're saying. You don't know how unfair this is."

Jensen reaches out and brushes a hair off of Jared's face and Jared nearly breaks at how gentle the touch is. "You deserve to know. Even if you hate me. You should know I feel this way. You deserve that."

Jared sits up and pushes Jensen back far enough to get out of bed without Jensen being able to stop him. "Fuck you," he says, stopping in the doorway. "I don't deserve this."

_______________________________________________________________

**NOW**

Genevieve has a glass of red wine in one hand and her iPhone in the other, and she's holding the one like it's a shield, the other as a weapon.

"We're gonna find you a man," she says, swiping left repeatedly until she stops somewhere she deems acceptable. "Someone who deserves you."

She hands Jared her phone and leans back against the dining room table, taking a long sip of wine. "He's a veterinarian, Jared, look at that. A puppy and a kitten tucked under each arm. How do you say no?"

Jared glances only briefly at the profile before passing it back. "Gen, we've been through this before."

"Right, right," she says, annoyed and not bothering to hide it. "I forgot. You don't cheat on your _married_ boyfriend."

"Gen," he warns, and he tries to think of a subject change, but she's too quick and, months after Jared confessed his relationship with Jensen to her, she's still too pissed.

"What if this was me some guy was doing this to?" she asks. "What would you do if it was me?"

"I'd kill him," Jared answers without hesitation.

She raises one perfect eyebrow. "So what makes this different?"

"Nothing," he admits. There's a long, pregnant pause as she stares at him, and finally Jared says, "I love him."

"I know." She sighs and puts her glass down, and then the doorbell rings.

Before Jared has a chance to answer, Genevieve crosses the room and tears it open. He's not surprised it's Jensen on the other side, it's never surprising to see Jensen here, just as it's not surprising not to. They don't really have the luxury of a set schedule when Jensen is grabbing moments between being the perfect husband to his perfect wife.

It is unfortunate, though, every time his best friend and his boyfriend interact. Genevieve crosses her arms over her chest, her lips pulling back in an animal sneer. "Speak of the devil and the devil appears," she says.

"Hey Genevieve," Jensen responds, giving her a polite smile. "Nice to see you."

"Go fuck yourself, you're a pig," she replies, grabbing her purse. She sends Jared a look over her shoulder. "I'll see you Wednesday. Think about the veterinarian, I'll keep his profile saved."

Jensen watches her leave, looking half-amused, and then his eyes find Jared. "Hey."

Jared steps forward to greet him but doesn't get a chance. Jensen is on his knees for him so fast it makes his head spin.

_______________________________________________________________

**THEN**

They don't talk for weeks after Jared wakes up, only a little hungover, and finds his apartment empty of Jensen, his bed made, borrowed clothes washed, every shred of evidence that the night before ever happened wiped away with such skill that for a little while, Jared questions it. Maybe he was drunker than he realized. The taste of beer, the soft give of Jensen's lips on his had felt so vivid. But it's not like Jared has never had that dream before.

It's Danneel who brings them back together. Danneel who corners him in the break room at work, makes an impassioned speech about how she doesn't know what Jensen did to upset him, that Jensen is too stubborn to apologize himself, but he's sorry. He's been miserable, and Jared looks like shit, too, and won't he be the bigger person and make up, because she knows her husband won't be, but she also knows he needs his best friend.

She loves him. It would all have been easier if Jared could pretend she didn't, or that Jensen didn't love her, or that she was somehow horrible. But the truth is she's wonderful and she loves Jensen, and her reward for her loyalty is that Jared goes to her house that night because she insists, and instead of being the friend she deserves, he kisses her husband in the hallway of their home and then he falls into her bed with Jensen on top of him, and Jensen fucks him slow and reverent and he wonders as he's coming if this is exactly where and how he fucks her, too. He had been expecting Jensen to take everything back, explain that he was drunk and it was nonsense. He had been depending on that.

They stop after the first time. They stop a lot of times. They have so many 'last time's that Jared loses count. Jensen always crawls back. Jared never learns how to say no. It's over as soon as they’re in each other's orbit. It was over the day Jared set eyes on Jensen.

_______________________________________________________________

**NOW**

She calls him one day, out of the blue, and asks if Jensen is having an affair. Jared thinks she knows, and he gets so choked up before he can answer that she launches into a spiel.

Jensen freelances as a designer, he never sees anyone, but the company he works with has a receptionist at their Seattle office. Her name is Katie and she's pretty. Danneel tells him that Jensen came back from his last business trip and has been eating her out every night since, which is never not on the menu, exactly, but it's always been something he does a whole lot when he feels guilty.

Jared grips his phone too hard, jealous to hear about all the attention he's paying her even though he knows it _is_ guilt, and he's the one who shouldn't be getting Jensen's mouth to himself, not her.

He manages to sound convincing as he laughs, telling her that Katie is asexual and Jensen has definitely never slept with her. That's not a lie, Jared knows because Katie told him, last week when he was in Seattle, enjoying the best vacation of his life because he spent it in a nice hotel with Jensen, and there was no one there to know them, no one they had to hide from.

Danneel trusts his assurances that her husband is faithful. She mocks herself over the phone, asking what kind of wife thinks her husband is cheating because he's fucking her _too often_ , and swears she never thought she'd become that paranoid wife everyone makes fun of.

When they hang up, Jared wonders if she'll ever realize his time off overlapped her husband's business trip exactly, but she has the unflappable faith of the truly devout, and Jared exploits it every chance he can get.

_______________________________________________________________

**NOW**

On an impulse, Jared bends over and scoops Jensen up into his arms. Jensen starts squirming and kicking, but he doesn't put up a real fight and Jared manages to make it to the door of his room, which he has to kick the rest of the way open, before dropping Jensen unceremoniously onto the foot of his bed.

Jensen is still laughing, his eyes bright and wrinkling at the corners, and Jared leans over the mattress, out of breath from the exertion. Jensen pulls him down the rest of the way until he lands next to him and he crawls onto his elbows to kiss Jared.

"I hope that was fun," Jared says, still struggling to breathe as he pulls his lips away from Jensen's. "Because I am never carrying your heavy ass anywhere again."

"Didn't ask you to," Jensen replies. His tone is bitchy but the attitude doesn't register in his expression.

Jared cups his cheek and stares, unable to believe sometimes that this is his. Even though Jensen isn't. Jensen is Jared's entire world, and Jared is something that happens in Jensen's life and then gets neatly edited out of the narrative, the scraps left on the cutting room floor. 

"Hey," Jensen says. "Give me your left hand."

Jared does, and Jensen slips his wedding ring onto the correct finger, playing with the band for a few seconds before smiling. "Good," he says. "Matches mine."

"Jensen, it is—"

"Shut up," Jensen says, kissing him quiet. "It's my birthday. Let me have this."

"You can have anything," Jared promises.

Jensen's hand is already working at Jared's belt, making space so he can slip inside and cup Jared's cock. Jared starts to stiffen just from that little promise. Fuck, he wants Jensen so bad it's like a chemical reaction sometimes, he can't stop himself.

He gets Jared naked from the waist down and finds the lube on the nightstand. No condom, as fucked up as that is, they've stopped bothering with condoms. Jensen fingers Jared as slowly as ever, loving the way Jared writhes on his hand, how hard his dick gets without being touched. Jensen murmurs the filthiest things when he's like this, fingers deep inside, playing Jared like an instrument and loving the sounds that come out.

They've never been quiet. It's a miracle they haven't been caught, honestly, with all the times Jensen has bent him over the bathroom sink while Danneel was in the backyard gardening or in the living room watching some movie Jared and Jensen were too damn desperate to pay attention to. Jared can't be quiet. Can't keep his hands to himself. Can't make himself do the right thing.

"Give it to me," he demands, getting even more amped up just thinking of how much they get away with, and he doesn't know how he'll ever look his momma in the eye again, because she didn't raise her boy to be this bad. "Jensen, give me your cock, fuck, please."

"Know how much you need it," Jensen whispers against his sweaty shoulder blade. "So damn slutty for me, baby. So pretty how you beg."

"Please, please. I need it. Jensen, it's been so long."

"I know," Jensen says, pushing the hair off the back of Jared's neck so he can kiss it. "Would give you my whole fist if I could wait, but I need you too."

Jensen pulls out then, and it feels like salvation when his cock replaces fingers. Jared's more than a little biased, but Jensen's dick is the best thing he's ever had. Longer than seems possible, dark pink when it's hard for him, and it pierces him so deep Jared can't believe it every time. He thinks he must be remembering wrong until they're like this again. Nothing should ever be this good.

He fucks slow at first, the drag of it making Jared beg him to speed up, to really give it to him, but Jensen ignores that. He likes to be gentle sometimes, to kiss Jared languidly as he goes, making Jared feel like more than the dirty little thing he fucks when his wife isn't looking, which Jared wishes he wouldn't do.

The head of his cock is resting against Jared's sweet spot when it happens. The phone starts ringing, Jensen's phone, and it's Danneel's ringtone, that New Orleans jazz she programmed in last January.

Jensen stills inside of him while they both listen in horror to the accusatory, tinny version of a Louis Armstrong classic that could never be for anyone else. It's Jensen's wife, right there in the room with them as Jared makes love to him, probably calling to see when he'll be there for the steak dinner she's making him for his goddamn birthday.

Jared slumps into the bed, almost wanting to cry, but Jensen does the last thing he's expecting. He picks up his phone and throws it—with considerable force—against the wall of Jared's bedroom.

The fucking thing falls to pieces, but the music stops. The room is deafeningly silent suddenly in its absence. Jared's erection has started to wilt, but Jensen, king of fucking stamina, Jensen is still rock hard inside of him.

He rubs his face against the pillow and turns enough to see Jensen. "Keep. Fucking. Going."

Jensen doesn't have to be told twice. All the gentleness from before is gone as he starts up again, slamming his hips into Jared like he's angry, like he's trying to punish them both.

"Take it," he tells Jared. "You take it so good. You're gonna take everything I give you, aren't you? You're always gonna take it."

"Harder," Jared says, panting as he ruts into the bed. "Give it to me. Fuck me harder, Jensen. Fuck me harder, I can take it."

His bed is hitting the wall now, and if Jared looks up at this angle, he'll probably see it scuffing the paint. There's probably a dent where the phone hit. The building could collapse around them, and now Jared knows for sure. They're never going to stop. He's never going to be better than this. He's as banged up as the wall and he just wants Jensen to keep bruising him, keep carving him open, anything, anything to keep this going.

"Jesus," Jensen says. His balls are slapping Jared's ass with every thrust now, and sometimes it hits the right spot and sometimes it doesn't but it doesn't matter anymore. The pain from each drag is better than the pleasure when Jensen slides into home. He just wants Jensen to break him open and stay there. "Fuck, Jared. Jared, you're so good. You take me so good. You were born for this."

"Yes," Jared agrees, because that's one thing he's known for a long time. Maybe Jensen wasn't made for him, but he was made for Jensen.

"I'm gonna come," Jensen tells him, dropping his head so that his mouth is pressed to Jared's shoulder. "I want it to be you. I want it to be you."

"I'm here," Jared promises. "I want it. Let me have it, Jensen. I'm here."

"Jared." Jensen says his name like it's hurting him, drags it on as he fills Jared's raw ass with everything, everything he's got.

He screws Jared into the mattress, and damned if Jared isn't right there on the edge already, just from Jensen's dick in his ass.

Jensen grabs him and strokes his dick and Jared shoots into the sheets he washed yesterday and he doesn't care. One more mess they've made. They haven't bothered cleaning any of the others.

As soon as they're done, Jensen rolls out of him, stands up, and crosses the room. He picks up Jared's phone and calls Danneel; butt naked he stands there and tells her some fucking story about how his phone fell in water and Jared's not listening, because he's too damn horrified.

Jared's got his fingers shoved inside of himself, playing with the come Jensen left behind. He sees Jensen watching him and pulls up, sticking his sloppy fingers in his mouth.

"I know, honey, I'll be there as soon as I can," Jensen's saying, not taking his eyes off the display Jared is putting on. "Just stopped at Jared's for a few birthday beers."

He thinks he hears Danneel say, 'drink up' across the line, and Jared gives an ugly laugh as he traces his teeth with Jensen's seed.

When Jensen hangs up, he says, "That was playing dirty."

Jared snorts, rubbing one nipple with his wet fingers. "What about this made you think I wasn't dirty?"

"Don't do that, Jared," Jensen says. "Don't act like this is—"

"What? An affair? A nasty little secret?" Jared points to his phone with his filthy hand. "You just called your wife ten seconds after pulling out of me. How do you sleep at night?"

"I sleep fine," Jensen says. "She would have driven over here if I hadn't called. I don't want her to see that for her own sake. I'm trying not to let her get hurt, either. I sleep fine."

"I don't," Jared admits. He sits up. "I can't live with myself. And I can't live without you. But at least I don't pretend what we're doing to her is okay."

"I don't think it's okay," Jensen tells him. "I think it's necessary. I can't—if you want to stop, stop me. I can't stop us."

"What’s the point anymore?" Jared asks. He falls back into his pillow, resigned. "We've had this fight how many times now."

"It's different," Jensen says, and then he looks up at Jared. "She wants to have a baby."

Jared blinks a few times, asks "What?" less because he doesn't understand what Jensen said than because he doesn't want to accept the implications.

Possibly his ugliest moment yet, his instinct is hatred. She finally did it, she's found the one thing Jared can't offer Jensen, and she's going to win this once and for all. But of course, that's not what this is for her. She just wants to live her life. She's just moving on, at a normal pace, with the life that is hers and which she has a right to, and which Jared does not have any right to. Jensen always wanted a child. Jared doesn't get to begrudge them their family.

He swallows, hard. "You'll be an amazing father."

"I can't bring a baby into this, Jared," Jensen explains. "I can't have a baby and still keep this up with you. It's—"

"I get it." Jared reaches over the edge of the bed, grabs his boxers and starts to pull them on. "It's for the best, anyway," he says, but his voice is cracking. They've broken up a thousand and one times, it's true, but this one will last. This time it's real. "I understand."

"Do you?" Jensen asks. He drags his hands through his hair and turns to glare at Jared. "I don't think you've gotten this since we started it. I keep trying to make you see, and you just don't want to."

"I know my place," Jared replies. "I never pretended—"

"Why won't you just ask me to leave her?" Jensen yells.

Jared stares at him for a long moment, then shakes his head. "What?"

"She's your friend, I know that. You have to see her at work every day, I know. If I told her. If I left her for you. Your whole world would be turned upside down, _I fucking know_. You love her, you don't want to hurt her. I love her. I'd do anything to spare her, but how can you not once in this entire year have asked me to leave her?"

Jensen sits down at the edge of the bed, his fingers tangling in his short hair and tugging. "Give me some fucking sign that you want me, because sometimes I can't tell. The way you talk. You won't shut up about how this is our dirty little secret, I know you get off on it sometimes. Hell, I do, too. If that's why you're doing this I'll keep it up forever, but I want it to be more than that. Please, please, Jared."

Jared sits up, touches Jensen's shoulder. "You really think that's what this is to me? You really don't know?"

Jensen takes Jared's hand into his own and traces the gold band he's placed on Jared's finger. "I want this. This is all I want."

"And you think I'd choose a less awkward work environment over being with you? Out, in public, where you're not hiding me, you think I haven't asked you to leave her because I don't want it?"

"I don't know," Jensen whispers. "I know I don't want to have a baby and keep her forever if it means losing you. That used to be my dream, but I can't even picture—" Jensen shakes his head. "You want to know how I live with myself, Jared? Why I can sleep in bed next to her at night? Because I have accepted that I am never going to do anything to risk losing you. And I can't be sorry for having you however I can."

"I didn't want to ask," Jared tells him. "Didn't want to push you away by demanding too much. Of course I love you, Jensen. I want to be the one you sign your damn Christmas cards with."

"Then ask," Jensen says, looking up to meet his eyes. "Ask me, Jared."

"Leave her," Jared says. "We'll deal with the fallout."

"We can go home," Jensen whispers. "You could get transferred to the Austin office. It'll be hell for you if you stay here, once she knows. Once everyone you work with hates you the way Genevieve hates me. We could just leave."

It's a damn cowardly move, but Jared's beyond caring. "Leave her for me. Please. Please, be mine instead. We'll go home."


End file.
